off topic

Off Topic VIII

August 30, 2007

I haven’t posted an off-topic rant in awhile and this one has been brewing:

Kitchen Kitten’s List of Movies Everyone Loves Except Her:

Steel Magnolias – Everything about this movie annoyed me. Mostly the fact Sally Field and Olympia Dukakis starred in it. I guess they had car payments to make. The character who died deserved it because she was an idiot. Two hours of my life I will never see again.

Any Woody Allen Movie – I’ve said it before and I will say it again: I have a soul. Where is my contract with the devil?

Erin Brockovich – Down on her luck woman stands up to big company. I liked it better when it was called Norma Rae.

Boys Don’t Cry – The documentary was so much better. Boys may not cry, but I did when I left the theater wanting my money back.

The English Patient – I tried watching this film three times. And each time I fell asleep. I will pay anyone $50 to give me a synopsis of this film in 50 words or less.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding – A big fat bore. I classify this as a “couples only” movie. If you are not married and from a big family go find something else to do.

The Piano – Holly Hunter as a mute who still manages to bitch throughout the entire film and a buffalo shot from Harvey Keitel. Charming.

Breakfast at Tiffanys – I rather spend breakfast at IHOP.

The Perfect Storm – The best part of this film is when everyone died. If you can’t give me a good story or acting then have Marky Mark take off his shirt.

The Village – I guessed the ending within 20 minutes of the film.

Gone With The Wind – What bothers me about the film is when white people tell me that they wish they could go back and live during this time. Hello my name is Nat Turner. Please meet my friend John Brown.

Planet of the Apes – Tim Burton shame on you.

Comedians That Are Not Funny in the Least:

Sarah Silverman – I want to punch her in the throat.

Howie Mandel – You were never funny. The surgical glove on your head and your “Little Bobby” make me hate you more.

Rita Rudner – ?????? WHO FINDS HER FUNNY??????

Bob Saget – I’d bet he’s friends with Tony Danza.

Writers who are sought after sans talent:

Jennifer Weiner – Not only have I read Good in Bed, but I was dumb enough to give her second chance by reading In Her Shoes. I’ve read better tales on the bathroom walls in a dive bar.

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  • Reply Anonymous September 3, 2007 at 2:15 pm

    Absolutely awesome post! Fantastic! This is what a blog is all about: work, bitching, and pop culture. My thoughts, you don’t ask? Well, away we go!

    My take on your rant on…

    Woody Allen: I couldn’t agree more. Of all the women in the world to a) fall in love with, and b) end up marrying, you would think your own adopted daughter would be out of the question. How about her self-esteem, huh? Talk about daddy issues!

    Boys Don’t Cry: freakin’ hilarious. I don’t think I could come up with a better joke if I thought about it all day.

    Big Fat Greek Wedding: I actually liked the movie. Granted, I’m married, so maybe that had something to do with it, but I thought it was a cute story without cursing, violence, and crap. I’ll have to disagree with what you said.

    Tiffany’s: great stuff. Very nice, again.

    Perfect Storm: again, very witty. “Good Vibrations feelin’ like Sunkist… maybe you wanna know who done this?” He’ll never live that era down.

    Gone With the Wind: Those people you wrote about are morons. I DARE them to say that out loud in my neighborhood in Baltimore. See if they make it back to the end of the block. Idiots.

    Sarah Silverman: again, I’ll have to disagree. She says stuff that are out of left field and make you cringe sometimes. I like her. She acts like one of the guys.

    Howie Mandel: I couldn’t agree more. No talent, never had any, has a stupid phobia, and I think is just plain annoying. Makes me wonder why anyone would hire him.

    Bob Saget: come on! He’s from Philly, has a dirty mind, and was on one of the most popular shows of the 80s! What’s the knock on Tony Danza? Ay-O! The guy’s a legend! Angela!

  • Reply Anonymous September 12, 2007 at 12:59 am

    More me, by the way… I just noticed you made Stallion’s Stable a link on your site! Rad!!!

    — I.S.

  • Reply Kitchen_Kitten September 24, 2007 at 12:22 am

    The only reason people think Sarah Silverman is so over the top is because she is a somewhat “attractive” woman. Have the same crap come out of a man or an unattractive woman and all hell with break loose.

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