I haven’t posted an off-topic rant in awhile and this one has been brewing:
Kitchen Kitten’s List of Movies Everyone Loves Except Her:
Steel Magnolias – Everything about this movie annoyed me. Mostly the fact Sally Field and Olympia Dukakis starred in it. I guess they had car payments to make. The character who died deserved it because she was an idiot. Two hours of my life I will never see again.
Any Woody Allen Movie – I’ve said it before and I will say it again: I have a soul. Where is my contract with the devil?
Erin Brockovich – Down on her luck woman stands up to big company. I liked it better when it was called Norma Rae.
Boys Don’t Cry – The documentary was so much better. Boys may not cry, but I did when I left the theater wanting my money back.
The English Patient – I tried watching this film three times. And each time I fell asleep. I will pay anyone $50 to give me a synopsis of this film in 50 words or less.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – A big fat bore. I classify this as a “couples only” movie. If you are not married and from a big family go find something else to do.
The Piano – Holly Hunter as a mute who still manages to bitch throughout the entire film and a buffalo shot from Harvey Keitel. Charming.
Breakfast at Tiffanys – I rather spend breakfast at IHOP.
The Perfect Storm – The best part of this film is when everyone died. If you can’t give me a good story or acting then have Marky Mark take off his shirt.
The Village – I guessed the ending within 20 minutes of the film.
Gone With The Wind – What bothers me about the film is when white people tell me that they wish they could go back and live during this time. Hello my name is Nat Turner. Please meet my friend John Brown.
Planet of the Apes – Tim Burton shame on you.
Comedians That Are Not Funny in the Least:
Sarah Silverman – I want to punch her in the throat.
Howie Mandel – You were never funny. The surgical glove on your head and your “Little Bobby” make me hate you more.
Rita Rudner – ?????? WHO FINDS HER FUNNY??????
Bob Saget –
Writers who are sought after sans talent:
Jennifer Weiner – Not only have I read Good in Bed, but I was dumb enough to give her second chance by reading In Her Shoes. I’ve read better tales on the bathroom walls in a dive bar.